24

The highlights of TV w/o Pity's recap of last week's show.

Suddenly he remembers that there's a third person who might be interested in what's going on with Grayadder, and he pulls out his cell phone. I assume it's a new phone, since his old one must have been fried by the EMP that went off ten feet away from him. I realize that assumption is based upon the more unlikely assumption that someone at the show remembers that.

Basically, Keeler is keen to declare martial law. Not that I can see how the United States of the 24-verse could be more of a police state than it already is, but I'm always ready to be surprised.

DoDder's following Grayadder's gurney through the hallway to the CTU clinic. The docs try to shake her off, but she insists on making them stop rolling the dying man to surgery so she can say, "I'm here, okay? And I will be here when you get out of surgery." DaD is standing there with a "great, here the fuck we go again" expression. Or maybe he's going for "concerned." Hard to tell. Grayadder peers up at his wife, his expression unreadable through the oxygen mask on his face. So I'm free to assume he's thinking, "Screw you, lady, I've got Kiefer now." He's finally pried from his wife's clutches so his life can be saved, and DoDder and DaD are left alone in the hallway. She hugs her father. Over her shoulder, his expression says, "So bored with this."

Bitchelle looks at Soul Patch, who looks back at her like, "Yeah, remember how no matter who was in charge around here, we really all just worked for Kiefer? Good times."

He went from just been fucked to just plain fucked in less than ninety seconds.

Poor Man's Poor Man's Eric Stoltz takes the opportunity to try to rush her with the room service cart, but she beats him down and ends up on top of him, holding a table knife to his neck. Nice to see a member of the United States military getting spanked by a member of the International Sisterhood of Mercenary Hos.

Bitchelle hands the floor over to Kiefer to explain the cover story, which goes thusly: Kiefer was transporting TerrorMom when his vehicle was attacked by surviving members of TerrorDad's cell at the intersection of Sepulveda and National an hour ago. I'm surprised they're using an intersection that actually exists, but I'm not surprised that it's one that throws my CTU triangulation project completely out of whack again by being way the hell down by Culver City and yet still less than ten minutes away.

Potato Face is finally prevailed upon to come in, thanks to her undying loyalty to the man who got her fired and let her friend get pounded flat while she watched. Bitchelle thanks her. "You're welcome," Potato Face lies, and hangs up with a mighty bitchface.

TerrorTeen protests fearfully. He begs her not to do it as she gets more and more get-a-room-y with him. Kiefer, clearly getting uncomfortable like the rest of us, tells her it's time to go. She makes out with her son some more, then walks out of the room slowly, smiling at him creepily over her shoulder. She even gives him a defiant little head toss. She doesn't look away from his weepy puss until she passes Kiefer in the doorway, who stares at TerrorTeen for a moment before shutting the door. Wow, I don't get what she sees in him, he thinks. It's 8:26:13, and TerrorTeen now has to spend the entire commercial break wiping slobber off of himself.

They share a flirty look before Bitchelle thanks him and they part ways. I wouldn't want to be the CTU employee sitting at the desk they're next to when they inevitably decide to have hot make-up sex in the middle of the floor.

Lispy Skip is having some trouble with his technobabble, until Potato Face appears next to him with some fresh technobabble. It's not surprising that she knows how to fix it, considering she's apparently developed the ability to teleport. She's also changed her clothes and her hair in the past seven minutes, presumably in the car. She probably should have taken the time to pick out some decent lipstick other than the lavender mess she's wearing now, though. Lispy Skip doesn't seem to happy to see her, so Potato Face smoothes things over by saying Bitchelle called her in because Lispy Skip couldn't handle himself. Way to defuse the tension there.

The doc explains that the second bullet is lodged against one of Grayadder's vertebrae and they're worried about the risk of further spinal injury. Can we just pretend that we've already had the inevitable scene where DoDder weepily says to Kiefer of her quadriplegic husband, "He needs me"? No? Bleah.

Soul Patch asks Potato Face to switch to an infrared satellite view. Potato Face quickly complies. The infrared view of the TerrorTaurus shows one bright blob of heat inside the car, which tells them that he's alone. It also tells me that TerrorProf's car has no engine or exhaust system, and that none of the surrounding cars do either. In fact, they don't even have drivers.

In any case, Potato Face is able to magically magnify and enhance the image of the van enough to read the license plate, but not before putting out my eye with her grinning, pointy teeth.

"Prove it to me," ImhoTerror says, reversing the gun and holding it out to TerrorMom butt-first. "Kill him." Ah, so the gun is empty. He was threatening her with an empty gun, you see. Interesting. TerrorMom treats ImhoTerror to one of her creepy-ass smiles and slowly takes the empty gun. She strokes it erotically as she moves over next to Kiefer, who is dragged back up to a kneeling position. She holds the empty gun to his head while Kiefer waits, eyes closed, pretending he doesn't know the gun is empty. Then she whips the empty gun up to point it at ImhoTerror and dry-fires it. D'oh! She's been in this country five years and never bothered to catch In the Line of Fire on cable? Sloppy. "Just what I thought," ImhoTerror says smugly. Yeah, just what we all thought. Oh, he means TerrorMom falling for it. I didn't think that. Never mind. Kiefer and TerrorMom share a horrified look: TerrorMom because she fucked up, and Kiefer because he can't believe she fell for this. At least I assume that's what she's thinking, since he had to do the exact same thing to Special Agent Charlie Brown last season. People, listen: nobody who mistrusts you is going to give you a loaded gun for you to prove your loyalty with. It's just not going to happen.

ImhoTerror follows Kiefer and his little party off into a splitscreen, which also includes a worried-looking TerrorTeen, as well as a worried-looking DoDder who steps up to meet an approaching doctor, who in turn blows right by her without a word. Heh. Smart doctor. Keeler worries on Air Force One, his hair darker than ever; and Kiefer looks worried as he's loaded into an SUV. As do Bitchelle, Soul Patch, and Potato Face at CTU, because they figure that eventually there's going to be an uprising when people figure out the place is being run by people who don't work there anymore.

Next week on 24: Looks like Kiefer gets shot during a prisoner exchange for TerrorTeen. Unless the promo is misleading. You don't think that's the case, do you?